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Anxiety.

It can happen any time, any place, whether [you] expect it or not. But it's starting. Its an unluckier time. In public! You can feel the anxiety bubbling up in your stomach, traveling up to your throat - coursing through your veins and taking over your thoughts. People are staring; you imagine what you know you must look like. Afraid. A flurry of movement standing in place. Nervous energy surrounding you. You can't hear what's going on around you because your thoughts are racing, jumbled together and unclear. They are moving too fast to be able to make sense of but you get the idea: nervous! worried! edgy! panicked! The only clear thought is: "why me, why here, why now?" And its one thought because its said in one breath in your head as though you've had sixteen Monsters laced with espresso.

If I could make you understand - I would. But I wouldn't wish this feeling - these feelings - on you, on anyone. I can't catch my breath; my body is moving against my instructions but I realize I'm standing in one spot. I know I have to start to take control of it - no matter how powerful it is - I AM MORE SO. In my head the thoughts are swirling so fast I can't make them out, but I keep telling myself to breathe. (In through my nose, out through my mouth. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.) I look down and my body is trembling. My hands have turned white I am gripping them so hard. (You're okay, Kylie. Just get a grip on this. Rein it in. Find your happy place.) In my head these thoughts are whispers I am desperately clinging to. Why do I feel so anxious, so panicked, so uneasy? Simply... because. That's it. Because I do.

As I write this I am thrown back to just a couple of years ago, when it was nearly impossible for me to cope with an anxiety attack or anxiety, period - without medication. And there are times when even presently, I can't do it alone. But I have self-taught myself to cope with my anxiety and the ever present anxiety attacks. I know to repeat to myself to breathe, to repeat to myself that I am okay, that I am strong - that I am more powerful than the anxiousness.

My different ways of coping don't always lessen the anxiety that I feel, but they have made it possible for me to continue to function through out the episode. It is most certainly NOT EASY. In fact, it is very, very hard. Not to mention come bedtime, I am likely to be 500% exhausted - physically and mentally, from fighting the battle. But I am so proud of my progress - so proud of knowing I am stronger than General Anxiety Disorder.

If you struggle with anxiety, please please please know that you aren't alone. That it's okay. That you CAN function through it, if you are willing to fight. No matter how you may feel, I promise you can do it. And I will be here to help you every step of the way, in every way that I can.

Thank you.

Determined.

I read my mom an article from my most very favorite blog the other day: Diary of a mom. This is something she has gotten used to, as ever since I stumbled upon Diary, every so often there is a post I just have to share with *someone* ... And usually, I pick my mom - why? Because duh? I'm kidding - because she is awesome, and also she seems to not think it completely weird how much I love Diary - Jess, her daughters, Katie and Brooke, and her husband, Luau. She doesn't seem to notice (or maybe she just is so completely accepting of me, that it isn't weird to her) the way I talk as though they are old friends.

Trust me, if you read Diary, you will feel the same way. The way Jess writes about things, she truly manages to make you feel as though you are there - you are her friend, as though she cares about you, personally. Through her writing. It is even more captivating to me, (I think) because I am a writer. And I only hope that I can make each person who reads this blog - that way. Let me clarify that I don't mean that Jess doesn't care about her readers - that is just the type of person she is - but to be able to express that you care just through the way you share, well, it is truly what most writers hope they are accomplishing.

When I write, I also want to be able to convey things in a way that make reading it easy - like you don't want to stop. I want to paint pictures with my words and have each reader feeling as though I am having a one on one conversation with you.  I want you to want to read more; and to want to comment, to have a conversation. I want to inspire and I want to connect and encourage connections amongst all of my readers. (*crosses fingers to have a lot of readers one day*)

So, why else do I absolutely adore Diary of A Mom - the blog, and her family? Because, it has answered the question of what I want to do with my life. I know what I want my career to be. Not the exact job, but I know without a doubt that I want to work with The Autistic community, and the "Observers" of the Autistic community to: raise awareness, teach acceptance, educate the world about Autism, create support for families who have autistic children/brothers/sisters/dads/moms/cousins.. I believe you get the idea.

Not only is this what I want to do, I am determined to figure out the steps to make it happen. I am determined. I am absolutely captivated by Jess, and her daughters. I want to help create a world where we stop thinking that neurotypical is the only right way. I want to help create a world where those who are Autistic don't have to adapt us "NT" peoples ways - but we adapt to them. A world that is a blend of NT and not.

And I will do it. I am determined.