Anxiety.

It can happen any time, any place, whether [you] expect it or not. But it's starting. Its an unluckier time. In public! You can feel the anxiety bubbling up in your stomach, traveling up to your throat - coursing through your veins and taking over your thoughts. People are staring; you imagine what you know you must look like. Afraid. A flurry of movement standing in place. Nervous energy surrounding you. You can't hear what's going on around you because your thoughts are racing, jumbled together and unclear. They are moving too fast to be able to make sense of but you get the idea: nervous! worried! edgy! panicked! The only clear thought is: "why me, why here, why now?" And its one thought because its said in one breath in your head as though you've had sixteen Monsters laced with espresso.

If I could make you understand - I would. But I wouldn't wish this feeling - these feelings - on you, on anyone. I can't catch my breath; my body is moving against my instructions but I realize I'm standing in one spot. I know I have to start to take control of it - no matter how powerful it is - I AM MORE SO. In my head the thoughts are swirling so fast I can't make them out, but I keep telling myself to breathe. (In through my nose, out through my mouth. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.) I look down and my body is trembling. My hands have turned white I am gripping them so hard. (You're okay, Kylie. Just get a grip on this. Rein it in. Find your happy place.) In my head these thoughts are whispers I am desperately clinging to. Why do I feel so anxious, so panicked, so uneasy? Simply... because. That's it. Because I do.

As I write this I am thrown back to just a couple of years ago, when it was nearly impossible for me to cope with an anxiety attack or anxiety, period - without medication. And there are times when even presently, I can't do it alone. But I have self-taught myself to cope with my anxiety and the ever present anxiety attacks. I know to repeat to myself to breathe, to repeat to myself that I am okay, that I am strong - that I am more powerful than the anxiousness.

My different ways of coping don't always lessen the anxiety that I feel, but they have made it possible for me to continue to function through out the episode. It is most certainly NOT EASY. In fact, it is very, very hard. Not to mention come bedtime, I am likely to be 500% exhausted - physically and mentally, from fighting the battle. But I am so proud of my progress - so proud of knowing I am stronger than General Anxiety Disorder.

If you struggle with anxiety, please please please know that you aren't alone. That it's okay. That you CAN function through it, if you are willing to fight. No matter how you may feel, I promise you can do it. And I will be here to help you every step of the way, in every way that I can.

Thank you.